Last week, a young man named Kyle Bella posted an article on Buzzfeed entitled "Why It's So Hard To Talk About Bareback Sex". It was, in my opinion, a well-written and honest article about a highly important topic. Take a few minutes to read it. Then take a few more minutes and read through the comments that follow it. By simply posting this article, he as demonstrated WHY it is so hard to talk about bareback sex. The reactions I read came in hard and fast. They were not nice - I heard anger, fear, shame, guilt. How are we to have an honest and meaningful discussion about this topic when the knee-jerk reactions are so negative?
I immediately question the motives of the individuals who post so quickly and use hurtful language. When I was younger and deeply in the closet, I had a ready arsenal of gay jokes and hateful words to deflect attention from myself, and it ultimately reflected my own inner guilt and shame.
If I ever share anything personal with another person, and their reaction follows those lines of negativity, guilt, and shame, I tend to shut up and get very quiet. Conversation stops, sharing stops, and I will be highly reluctant to bring up that topic again - ever.
There's a banquet of food for thought in this HuffPost Live Video - it's an interesting 30 minutes if you have the time.
I'm not going to declare and defend a position on bareback sex. That's not the point. The point is that I think it's important to pay attention to what's going on in the world around us, assess what we're seeing, and form opinions based on educated critical thinking, not on emotional biases.
The article quoted a recent survey stating "With more than 50% of gay men no longer using condoms consistently,..." and that is, according to one person, "an appaling statistic". But I always remember the quote popularly attributed to Mark Twain "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics." There are unknown factors behind that 50%+ number. Without direct access to the raw data, it's hard to accurately determine if that's a realistic number that correlates to the opinion presented. It appears to say that half of gay men have abandoned condom use. But the reality could be different.
If a committed couple in an open relationship do not use condoms with one another, but do use condoms with others, that would qualify as not using condoms consistently. It would also be an approach adopted by many couples in open relationships to protect themselves and to more fully enjoy their sex lives and mitigate the risk of contracting STIs from individuals outside the relationship. Is that a responsible and intelligent choice? I think so. But it also feeds into that statistic and fuels emotional responses. That's just one of many options to consider when viewing the statistics - there are so many other ways to dissect the data, but that's a basic example.
If I were to get on a soapbox in the middle of this posting, it would be this: Condoms do not equal Safe Sex. Condom use is a factor in SAFER sex, but the presence of a condom does not that sex will be perfectly safe. I'd like to see that verbage changed. It seems to engender a belief that sexual behavior without a condom is dangeous and unsafe, when safer sex practices exist that do not involve a condom. Condoms are useful and valuable in protection from a number of STIs, but the inclusion of a condom in sexual behaviors does not guarantee that you are SAFE from contracting an STI.
But back to the intended topic - how do you have an open and honest conversation about a sensitive and emotionally loaded topic? I think it needs to happen with honesty and respect and humility. If someone shares an intimate and vulnerable piece of their life with you (or the entire internet) and it triggers an emotional response, stop. Exhale, inhale. Look at what's happening. You may not agree, but respect the courage it took to share. Express gratitude that someone opened up their personal life to you. Look at your own reaction - does it wind you up because it hits close to home? And then, when you're able to be objective, join the conversation.
Thank you, Kyle, for sharing a piece of your journey with us. I hope it opens the door to many honest and valuable conversations.
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